Sex After 60: In a Rut? How to Restart Your Libido

You may have heard an older friend say it. You may have said it yourself:

“Where did my libido go?”

Or perhaps:

“I’m just not that interested in sex anymore.”

It’s true that getting older can bring physical changes that affect sexual desire. Hormonal changes, vaginal dryness, erectile difficulties, medications, health problems, and other changes in our bodies can all influence how interested we feel in sex.

But those aren't the only things that influence desire.

So let me ask you a slightly different question:

Is your sex worth wanting?

If your answer isn't an emphatic YES, maybe your libido hasn't disappeared. Maybe it simply hasn't been given much to get excited about.

Think about it. Sex takes time, energy, attention and sometimes a little strategic maneuvering to get older body parts into the right position. If all that effort produces little pleasure, discomfort, disappointment, or the same predictable routine you've been doing for the last 15 years, why would your brain be clamoring for more?

If you anticipate sex and already know exactly what’s going to happen, when it's going to happen, and how long it's going to last, that doesn’t create lustful anticipation.

It's just a recipe for boredom.

And if your primary sexual reward is thinking, “Well, at least that's over,” that's not pleasure. That's relief. (Relief is what you feel after a root canal, not after a sexual romp.)

It may be that your libido hasn't disappeared at all.

It may be that the sex you're having isn't worth wanting.

And if that's the problem, there is something you can do about it.

SHIFT YOUR MINDSET

Sexual desire isn't just about your body. Your thoughts, emotions, expectations, relationship, mood, and past sexual experiences all play a role.

So if you're struggling with desire, ask yourself an honest question:

Am I trying to make myself want something that isn't actually very appealing to me?

If the answer is yes, stop trying to manufacture desire for something you don't particularly enjoy.

Instead, close your eyes and imagine what would make you want sex.

• What would feel good?

• What would be fun?

• What would turn you on?

• What are your fantasies?

• What would make you curious?

• What would make you think, Oh, yes. I want more of that.

Write it down. Don't censor yourself. This is not the time to worry about what you think you're “supposed” to want.

Then ask yourself: Can I make some of these things happen?

If you have a partner, share your list with them. Your partner isn't a mind reader, and after several decades together, you may have gotten very good at assuming you already know exactly what the other person wants.

You might be surprised.

And sometimes the problem isn't your mindset at all. If your partner isn't interested in your pleasure, refuses to change, or sex has become a source of resentment rather than connection, that's a different problem and no amount of positive thinking will fix it.

Your brain is one of the most important players in your sex life. And your brain learns from experience. When sexual activity is associated with pleasure, excitement, relaxation, intimacy, or curiosity, your brain has a reason to want to repeat it.

In other words, give your brain something worth wanting.

If you expect pleasure rather than discomfort, boredom, or another performance test, your anticipation can begin to change and grow.

And sometimes the best way to increase desire is to stop doing sex the same old way.

Here are a few places to start:

Be Here and Now

Put down the phone. Turn off the television. Stop mentally reorganizing the kitchen, answering tomorrow's emails, or remembering that you forgot to move the laundry to the dryer.

Sex is a terrible time to conduct your household management meeting.

Instead, pay attention to what you are seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and feeling. Get out of your head and into your body.

In my survey of adults over 60, 86% said that being completely absorbed in the moment was important for great sex.

Being present doesn't guarantee great sex, but it turns out your brain can’t fully enjoy an orgasm while simultaneously thinking about emptying the dishwasher.

Make It a Goal-Free Zone

Sex doesn't have to have a finish line.

You don't have to have an erection. You don't have to have penetration. You don't have to have an orgasm.

And nobody is handing out trophies for getting there fastest.

Sex worth wanting is about pleasure, connection, curiosity, and feeling good. Think of it as exploration rather than a test.

You may discover that taking away the pressure to “perform” actually makes sexual pleasure easier.

Accept Your Aging Body and Laugh About It

Your body is going to do some things differently at 60, 70, 80, and beyond.

A knee may complain. A back may negotiate. A hip may have its own agenda. And sometimes you may need your reading glasses to figure out which button on the vibrator actually turns it on.

Laugh.

Sex doesn't have to be serious to be meaningful.

Sex worth wanting doesn’t depend on what you might consider “normal” sexual functioning or what sex used to be like. Age often brings diminished genital response, illness and disability, but that doesn’t mean an end to sex worth wanting. It means finding ways to experience pleasure with the body you have today.

Slow Down, You're Moving Too Fast

Think about that old Simon and Garfunkel refrain about slowing down the next time you have sex.

Seriously.

Older bodies often need more time to become aroused. That's not a problem to fix. It's simply a reason to slow down.

Touch. Kiss. Stroke. Explore. Linger.

Let arousal build instead of expecting your body to go from zero to “ready for action” in 30 seconds.

For many people, there’s a shift to responsive desire as they age rather than spontaneous desire appearing out of nowhere like when you were younger. Instead of waiting to spontaneously feel horny, you may discover that pleasurable touching, kissing, flirting, or sensual activity comes first and desire follows.

In other words, you don't always have to feel like it before you begin.

Sometimes you begin, and then you feel like it.

Go It Alone

Sex worth wanting doesn't always require a partner.

Masturbation can help you discover what feels good, especially as your body changes. It allows you to explore without worrying about someone else's expectations, performance, or technique.

And let's be honest: sometimes you are the person who knows exactly where your pleasure buttons are.

Solo sex can also help you become more aware of what arouses you so that you can communicate that information to a partner.

Lots of Lube

If there is one item that deserves a permanent place in your sexual toolbox as you get older, it's lubricant.

Lubricant can decrease friction and make sexual activity more comfortable and pleasurable. For people experiencing vaginal dryness, a vaginal moisturizer may also be helpful for ongoing comfort.

But here's an important point: don't use lube to simply power through pain.

If sex is painful or vaginal dryness is persistent, talk with a healthcare professional. There are effective treatments for many of the physical changes that can interfere with comfortable sex.

Sex should feel good, not like an endurance event.

Give Your Libido Something to Want

If you find yourself wondering where your libido went, don't automatically assume it packed a suitcase and left town.

Before deciding that you're simply “too old,” “not interested anymore,” or destined to watch your sex life slowly disappear, take a look at the sex itself.

• Is it pleasurable?

• Is it interesting?

• Is it satisfying?

• Is there anticipation?

• Is there laughter?

• Is there touching and exploration?

• Does it make you want more?

• Or is it essentially the sexual equivalent of eating the same turkey sandwich for lunch every day for 15 years?

Mindset matters. So does changing the routine.

Think about what you like.

Think about what feels good.

Think about what you'd like to try.

And most importantly, slow down, stay present, and give yourself permission to enjoy the moment.

Because sex should be more like a decadent chocolate sundae with lots of whipped cream, something you actually look forward to, not that boring turkey sandwich you eat because it's Tuesday.

So the next time you ask, “Where did my libido go?” ask yourself a different question first:

“Is my sex worth wanting?”

If the answer is no, perhaps you don't need a new libido.

Perhaps you need better sex.

(Image Source: Canva)