LIBIDO AND AGING: FROM LIGHTNING BOLT TO A SLOW BURN

Do you remember when your body would tingle from just making eye contact with someone attractive? When you and your partner could barely keep your clothes on around each other? Fast forward a few decades and now, sex might feel more like a distant memory than a regular activity. Maybe you often say I’m not “in the mood,” or perhaps you’ve even wondered if your sex life is behind you.

What happened to that electric jolt of lust from a sexy glance? That instant heat when someone touched your arm?

The answer is: aging and body changes.

The good news is desire and excitement aren’t gone. They’ve merely taken a different shape. Your once lightning bolt of instant arousal of wanting to rip your clothes off (spontaneous desire) is now a slow burn, an arousal that gradually builds with time and stimulation (responsive desire). Don’t worry. The transition from lightning bolt desire to slow burning desire is normal with age.

SEX, AGING AND THE CHANGING BODY

                  We all know that aging brings its share of body changes. Your joints ache, you need bifocals to read a menu, you forget why you walked into a room, and you’re probably on multiple medications. But often what’s not talked about enough is how aging affects our sexual health and desire.  Hormone levels for both men and women, key for libido, decrease with age. For women, during and after menopause, lower estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness, thinning of vaginal tissues, and diminished libido. These physical changes can make intercourse uncomfortable, even painful, which understandably can affect one’s interest in sex. For men, their testosterone levels decline with age. This can lead to changes in sexual desire and functioning such as trouble getting and maintaining an erection or reduced orgasm intensity. Plus, an unpredictable penis can cause frustration or self-consciousness.

                  Beyond hormones, other age-related health conditions like diabetes, heart disease, or arthritis, as well as common medications for blood pressure, depression and other conditions can decrease libido and impact your sexual activity.

                  None of this means your sex life is over. It’s just time to approach sexual activity differently and embrace the slow burn.

SPONTANEOUS VERSUS RESPONSIVE DESIRE:  THEN VERSUS NOW

When we’re younger, we experience spontaneous desire. It’s sexual desire (aka lust) that appears suddenly and powerfully.  A glance, a touch, even a passing thought can spark immediate arousal. Spontaneous desire is a hormonal driven biological sexual response and happens before any touching starts. It hits like a lightning bolt out of nowhere. This is the type of passion often shown in movies where two people meet and the next thing you know they’re ripping off their clothes. It’s sweeping, sudden, and intense.

As we get older, we don’t tend to feel that same automatic biological urge or drive for sex. It’s not because you’ve lost interest in intimacy, but because your body and brain don’t respond with that same hormonal driven feeling of immediate sexual desire. Again, know this is normal. Instead, your body and brain now need more time and more stimulation to get “in the mood.” This is known as responsive desire where there is a gradual build-up of sexual interest in response to pleasurable stimulation. You don’t feel desire until some external warm-up happens like kissing, sensual touching, or emotional intimacy. You or your partner may not be interested in sex and claim you’re not in the mood, however once you get started then your arousal grows, and you get into it. Unlike spontaneous desire, responsive desire doesn’t come before intimacy but is a slow burn that gradually builds during intimacy.

                  If you want to learn more about spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, I highly recommend a book by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.

TIPS TO STOKE THE SLOW BURN

• Make a habit of it. With regular sexual activity (partnered or solo), you’ll find yourself wanting to do it more.

• Schedule sex dates with a partner or yourself. It sounds unsexy, but it works. Anticipation builds desire.

• Give yourself (and your partner) time to warm up. There is no need to rush. Enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

• Use lubrication liberally and without hesitation. It will make intimacy more comfortable and enjoyable.

• Consider trying new things. Sex toys and different forms of touch can bring fresh excitement.

• Focus on connection. Sex is still about pleasure, emotional closeness, and fun!

  
  

Final Thought

Aging doesn't mean an end to your sex life and passion. They have simply evolved. The passion is still there, even if it looks a little different now. It just means learning new steps to an old dance. Embrace the slow burn!

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